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Divorce, whether it feels like somewhat of a relief or an entire upheaval of your happiness, may cause you to make irrational decisions. Much like positive emotions may lead a person to make positive choices, negative emotions may lead a person to do the opposite. It’s important to stay grounded following a divorce, to deal with the grief by making positive choices as opposed to negative ones, which can exacerbate life after divorce. These 7 mistakes are easy to make when a negative thought pattern is controlling your behavior – avoid them…
After a divorce, it might make you feel good to change up your look. They say “the first step to feeling better is looking better”. But some changes are simply too drastic. Don’t go out and get a tattoo, or a body piercing, or anything that’s permanent. You’d be making this decision out of negative emotion such as grief or resentment. The last thing you need in your life is a constant reminder of that negativity. And you may just come to regret that decision directly after making it.
Once you’re separated, you may think that your ex’s behavior will change. Don’t have high expectations. People change on their own. You simply don’t have the power to change someone, especially an ex with whom resentment may still linger. Having high hopes that your ex-spouse may act differently to you now that you are divorced, perhaps less hostile or just friendlier, is setting yourself up for a letdown. Don’t fall into that trap. Focus on yourself and being the best person you can be.
Yes, it can be extremely difficult to get back into the dating world. You crave intimacy and attention. But you’re afraid of that vulnerability that comes along with putting yourself back out there. So, you automatically think of how convenient it would be to look up an old ex, if only for comfort sex. But remember, your exes are exes for a reason. You weren’t meant to be. Sex, even if it’s just for comfort, releases oxytocin – often referred to as “the love hormone”. You may end up developing feelings for an ex who was never good for you to begin with if you engage in sexual activities with them. Avoid this mistake at all costs. Wait until you’re ready to put yourself back out there, knowing fully what you want in your next partner.
It seems easier to either curl up with your emotions or cover them up following a divorce than to face them. But this is never a good idea. The art of therapy will never die, nor will the use of psychology. Find a psychologist that you feel comfortable with, someone you feel you can fully describe your feelings to, and someone who offers you coping mechanisms, ideas, and affirmations to help in your own healing process.
Airing out your feelings on Social Media will do you no good. If you need to vent, talk to your psychologist. Cherish their feedback more than anyone else’s. They are professionals. Talking bad about your ex-spouse won’t make you feel any better, either. If you turn to Facebook to vent out your feelings about your ex-spouse or your feelings in general, you may end up with numerous people who don’t fully know the complexities of your prior relationship trying to give you advice. Their advice might serve your wrong, and too many voices in your head simply turns to static.
It can be hard to feel like a “third-wheel”, but it’s unlikely that your good friends who are in positive, working marriages are going to let you feel like that. Reach out to them. Tell them that you still want to be a part of their lives. If they were good friends to you when you were married, they’ll likely still be good to you when you’re divorced. And who knows, they may just end up being a bridge to a new partner in life. Isolation won’t offer up this bridge.
When we’re given two choices, and one is more comfortable than the other, we often choose the more comfortable option – even if the other option was the right one. Think back to your marriage. What did you do wrong in that marriage? In every divorce, both parties have some fault as to why the relationship when awry. What was it about your ex-spouse that initially made you fall for them? What was it about them that you feel made the relationship unhealthy? Be cautious of these traits when looking for a new partner. The last thing you want to do is get in a relationship with someone who is a repeat of your ex-spouse, which might feel comfortable to you. So, proceed with some caution. Make sure not to drag bad relationship habits that may have contributed to the failure of your last marriage into a new relationship. You may even surprise yourself and realize that an entirely different personality than what you’ve always looked for is what you actually need.
Getting back on track following a divorce is pretty much always harder than we can imagine. One foot in front of the other. Remember, you are capable of anything, no matter what stage in life you are at.